At the Most Inconvenient Times

Inspiration often hits when there’s something else to do, it seems.

Lately I’ve noticed that whenever I’m really struck by something, I have a task that needs doing, or I should be heading out the door soon, or I am in the middle of something already… the list goes on.

It gets to be a bit of a drain. This morning I was nearly frustrated to “forget it, I’ll just stay home and do this instead” point when I realized that I haven’t been making enough time to be creative.

I posted a while ago about just ‘throwing something out there’ (or something like that), this idea that you need to just knock out work whenever you can; it won’t be perfect, and it won’t be what you want it to, but just creating is something special.

Upon further thought, however, I am realizing that it’s also not enough to settle for just ‘throwing something out there’ (or something like that), you need to be intentional about creating.

My roommate posted a video he put together yesterday. Note: he posted and put it together yesterday. That’s an important point: He felt the need to dig into something, knew it didn’t have to be perfect, but desired to create regardless. And to do that, he set aside his afternoon and evening and worked on it.

I’m finding with school and life it’s hard to have the time to “plan ahead” some time to be creative. It’s not impossible, however. Perhaps this is another domino in the “I need to get a proper routine” cascade that’s been slowly working it’s way through me for months now.

It’s not enough to just have a routine though– there has to be moments for inspiration, creativity, and being ALIVE in there too.

It’s all about being intentional.

I’m not one who can plan to be creative– even if I am able to be sharp off the cuff, it’s still not the same as penciling in a 3:30 appointment to be creative, I feel– however, I think the solution for me is in combing this post and the last one.

Balance.

Remembering that sometimes things don’t have to be perfect, you just have to get them out there, and having a regular time to work away, regardless the results, combined with the openness to jump on an idea when it strikes if you’re able, creates a lifestyle that allows you to be creative, have it fixed in your schedule, and not to feel too constrained by either the schedule, or the perfection.

Having time each day to explore and express the artistic, the beautiful, the depth and breadth of person/self… it makes such a difference.

Perhaps this semester I won’t get so busy as to shove aside those needs.

I’ll just have to plan not to.
Cheers,

An Earnest Hemingway

 

Taking Time

It was a harrowing semester in a lot of ways. So many things came up and there was a lot to battle through. In the end, I’m still left with quite a bit to do over the holidays to finally finish my first semester in Seminary.

It’s been awesome, though.

Anna and I are so happy in our new home. We have a great set up and can’t really complain. Still, as hard as things have been, it’s sometimes hard to really step back and enjoy life, or even just appreciate what we have.

This weekend we get a chance to do that. A stay in a neat place, as well as taking in a show tonight at the Sony Centre, followed by some alone time to celebrate three years since we started dating, and then finished up with some family time tomorrow… it’s all going to give us a chance to enjoy some life and experience, as well as be thankful for all we have and all we are together.

And, when it comes to the holiday season, that’s really what it’s all about: recognizing a need, and a lacking, and being grateful for the provision given to fill that need. Even if you aren’t a Christian, those are themes that express themselves in our families, friends, and the lives we get to live here in Canada.

It’s also a reason why reaching out and helping those who might need our help is so important, and so much more poignant, during the holiday season. It’s hard enough fighting through a difficult life, but doing so without the help and support of family and friends becomes nearly unbearable.

So I hope wherever you are and whatever you’re up to, you’re able to find some time to be grateful for everything you’ve been blessed with, thankful for the trails you do have– as we always seem to find our way through them and grow as a result– and can find a way to reach outward to help someone else who just might need that little holiday miracle.

It doesn’t always have to be money, and it doesn’t always have to line up with some popular political movement. Truth is, we’re all the 100%: people. And people need love, hope, relationship, and someone to listen. If you have a chance, you might find that means even more than a couple bucks here and there.

Regardless where this season takes you, be blessed and be well.

Cheers,

An Earnest Hemingway

 

 

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams
“…hearts will be glowing when loved ones are near.”

White Christmas by Bing Crosby
“May your days be merry and bright.”

Peace on Earth-Little Drummer Boy by Bing Crosby and David Bowie
“Years from now, perhaps we’ll see, the day of glory when good men live in peace.”

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Johnny Maestro & the Brooklyn Bridge
“Faithful friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more.”

O Come All Ye Faithful by Nat King Cole
“Lord we greet thee– born this happy morning.”

Brave

Another day, another blog– another one without my typical picture and music…

Also, another ‘in’: do even when you don’t think it is good enough.

Here, I might return to update this later with pics, music, etc… but for now, I can only think of three things. And they aren’t things, they’re people.

First, a friend. He is quitting today. He knows what he wants to do, and he’s unable to do it. He has another job opportunity, and will gladly find a fall-back option if needs be– but the real motivation is to pursue his dream. So he’s taking a step he finds terrifying to do just that.

It might not be the ‘wisest’ choice without a fully secured job to jump to, especially in these times. And it might not make sense to some people… heck, maybe even a lot of people.

But I believe it’s the right call for him. And it’s gutsy.

The next, a family acquaintance. He is suffering from cancer. The prognosis is not what I would call ‘hopeful’. And yet, hope is just what he’s doing. Not for a cure/miracle alone, but simply for peace, joy, and humility in a time like this. He is blessed with a wonderful wife, has had a positive ministry, and has loving friends who, even with setbacks, disabilities, and obstacles of their own, are traveling on 18-hour trips to see him and fellowship.

My father is one of them, brave in his own account, knowing such a trip is just as like to kill him as bless him. Still, he goes and they go because it’s the right thing to do.

The patient in question knows this and appreciates it. He has a good life, that he wants to continue on in. Regardless, he faces this disease knowing the reality and trusting in the Lord to lead and guide as He will. It’s inspiring.

The third, my wife. Every day she struggles with a genetic illness that may one day prove fatal, but for now ails and assails her at every step. She is sore, exhausted, and struggles with being down as a result constantly. And yet, she DOES get up each morning. She dares to hope– even when that hope threatens to break her.

She is more upset when she doesn’t live up to her own standards; when she doesn’t achieve or fight, when she let’s someone down, when she doesn’t love me like she thinks she should– these things upset her more than her illness does.

As hard as the journey is, she strives to live with her lot, not simply resent it or use it as an excuse. She loves and hurts and tries and hopes. And she humbles me with the spirit she shows.

These are brave people. And they help remind me that there are so many things in this life to be grateful for. And that being great yourself isn’t for personal acclaim or glory; for me, it’s about striving for the best you so you can be best for those around you.

I want to be the best before God, my wife, my friends and family, and my community that I can be. No where near that yet, but each step is one step closer to that hope, and one step further away from the fear, failure, and defeat of giving up.

It’s about being brave. Brave enough to hope, try, and submit in the midst of best and worst we all have to offer.

Thank you to those people in my life who constantly remind me of that in their own lives and actions. You are appreciated.

Love,
Daniel

For the Sake of It…

This isn’t going to be long.

It probably won’t be very insightful or thought-provoking either.

It WILL however, be published. And that’s what’s important.

Sometimes it’s hard to always knock out the best possible thing you might want to… but I think, all too often, we wait on perfection (or at least something closer to it) and never get around to actually DOING anything.

I don’t want that to be the case anymore. I’m tired of fumbling my way through excuses (or worry) to not do something and then find, a few months later, that it never happened at all.

It seems we’re always waiting for a better angle, a better moment, and it just doesn’t come.

In the recent movie “Take Me Home Tonight”, Topher Grace’s character is seven years removed from high school and still clings to the idea that he just never had his ‘in’ to approach his high school crush. Now, as adults, he is lying and putting off just laying it all out for her because he still doesn’t feel he has the right ‘in’.

What his character fails to realize for most of the movie is that we all struggle to find our ‘in’ (at least those of us who struggle with this kind of thinking)… there’s always a good reason not to… a good reason to wait… a good reason why tomorrow might be better.

There’s also a good reason why right now is the only moment that we have an ‘in’– because we’re not promised a single moment after THIS one, and each moment we get is a gift, a privilege, and an opportunity.

Even though it’s not thunderous or profound– I didn’t want to waste this moment because I thought maybe I’d drop something better on a page ‘later’. I found my ‘in’– it’s right now.

Cheers,
Daniel

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

I went on an internet rampage recently acquiring more music than I’ll be able to listen to for a few weeks. I did it because of listening to Snow Patrol’s new album “Fallen Empires”, which was one of the most deeply impacting listening experiences I’ve had in a long, long time.

It got me to thinking about life and love and art and creation.

It got me thinking how hard this all is sometimes

Most importantly, it just plain moved me.

A funny thing happened, though. In being moved I realized how tender I was internally. It seems like it’s been a while since I’ve been moved that way. Or, more to the point, it seems like it’s been a while since I’ve let that take root.

I’ve always been someone who prides themselves on very few things– truly, I haven’t often thought much of myself, my mind, or my accomplishments– but those small number of things I DO take pride in, I do so quite sincerely and firmly.

And, without going into a list, there are two that have always stood far and above anything else I would let myself believe about, well, myself: Love, and Hope.

I’ve felt that I’ve always been compassionate, empathetic, emotional (for better or worse), and loyal. In fact, I place my ability to show love to others above just about anything in this world often. Part of why I feel like such a failure so regularly is realizing how short I fall from REAL love all too often… taking an honest look inward and realizing how that’s affected and effected my outward actions through out the years– it’s a difficult thing.

Even though it’s something I pride myself on, loving those around me, I know that I have all too often hurt those who are closest to me. It’s a fact that makes it hard to sleep some nights and even harder to get up some mornings. There are times when it consumes me to the point of depression and I can hardly think/function.

The fear of failure, of letting people down, of continually “living down” to my worst inclinations… it adds up. I suppose, when I wrongly interpret things that have happened (to and because of me) it leads me to pull back and fear trying itself. I end up pulling away from the few things that I define myself by (again, this Love and Hope).

Now, I know that’s incredibly unhealthy, and in more a way than it shatters the second great source of personal pride: Hope. This used to just be a momentary thing. The reason I was so proud of being a hopeful person was that, even though I fought depression and felt such worthlessness often, I always maintained hope that there was more available to me and in me.

I believed that, no matter how bad things could get– no matter how horribly I screwed up/hurt people– no matter how much it seemed like there was no light at the end of a long night, I never lost hold of some small thread that drew its strength from light, hope, love, peace… I just never really lost faith.

Somewhere a few years ago, though… I lost my hope and finally succumbed to feeling unlovable… or, perhaps, felt incapable of loving effectively. My Love and my Hope seemed to wither, and I felt a shell of what I was, not to mention the fragmentary fraction of what that COULD be. I knew there was more there, so much untapped, but I couldn’t shake the ghosts that haunted me.

They were a constant voice. A voice that spoke of failure, and worthlessness, and ineptitude, and a never-ending night for my soul.

I suppose, in so many ways, I’m still there. There have been cracks, obviously… and sometimes it feels like it can’t even touch me– when I help someone, when I see children laugh/play/grow/learn/trust, when I look at or think of my wife Anna; when she touches me or lies beside me asleep or cuddling. When my friend Stephen talks with me about life. When I get to see my family. When I write with another friend Trevor.

But it doesn’t take long, because maybe it never goes away, for the undercurrent of those lost things to sweep me up and carry me away again.

Do you know something? I rarely listen to music before bed nowadays. That might seem a normal statement to those who don’t know me. But, for those who do, I’ve spent the better part of the last 18 years listening to music every single night before bed, often even as I slept, and immediately when I woke up.

So why haven’t I? I’m not sure. Maybe I haven’t felt worthy of it lately. Maybe I just get too caught up in day-to-day things to take time to relax. Or, maybe, I’ve lost the Love and the Hope that was the spark underneath those activities.

And, I don’t write all of this to say I’m sinking, or I can’t handle this/take it anymore… no, no… nothing like that.

I just realized this week… well, I had some experiences that hurt me deeply. Experiences and conversations with some people I love very much. And I was cut. Really, I was crushed. And somewhere in that hurt I realized that I had tapped a much deeper well than was attributable to those simple situations. People hurt you, they let you down, and they misunderstand you– it’s human nature. But this felt different. It felt like a sentence. Like a statement on my worth and being.

Why did I download all that music? Because something in me FELT. And why did that matter? Because it had BEEN SO LONG.

I guess I just want to feel again. I want to hope. I want to love. And I don’t want to drown under the weight of every drop of insecurity and condemnation I’ve ever heaped on myself or received (perceived) from others. I want to LIVE. I want to live fully.

I see my wife writing again and being creative and I recognize I’ve been able to be some small part of that. I see Trevor excited and creating and I realize I’ve been able to be a small part of that too. I see Stephen moving forward and daring to hope as he goes and, while I don’t feel I’ve been much a part of that or a help really, I do know I’ve prayed for him and thought of/supported him as best I can along the way.

And those are things I want to do. Things I want to be.

I’ve never believed hurt was stronger than Hope. Or that fear could stand up against Love.

And I certainly can’t except that I doomed to be a failure when there is some good in me I see even in the worst of times.

So I find music. And I’m trying to write/share with you. I’m doing my best to let Hope refresh me and Love renew me. Sometimes it’s good to be able to reflect and recognize the sadness, the melancholy, and the hurt inside. Once again, I’m learning to see it for what it is and not let it win.

I’m working hard to end this semester well and hoping for another semester to continue to learn and grow. I’m trying to be grateful for my wife and housemates and pets and home– and to put that gratitude ahead of everything else. So that I may love and serve first and foremost.

I’m trying to write and listen to music and watch shows and read. Those things feed me, and they help process all of this.

I have an amazing wife, a wonderful place to live/community, a super family, and a very good life. It’s important for me to stand above the hopelessness of what I am not to look to the endless expanse of faith, Hope, and Love that lays ahead and is here even now. Presently, it’s a long drive in the country with the windows rolled down, a coffee in hand, and some great music playing… and I’m happy. Even if the music is a bit sad.

Maybe I’m not quite happy yet, but I’m grateful. I’m finding peace. And I’m clinging to Hope and Love.

Ever and Always,
Daniel

Those Distant Bells by Snow Patrol from Fallen Empires
“The dark never enters, but it also never leaves… and you can hear those distant bells, and you know they’ll never leave…”

Tonight, Tonight by the Smashing Pumpkins from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
“The more you change the less you feel… believe; believe in me…“

Lifening by Snow Patrol from Fallen Empires
“This is all I ever wanted from life.“

This Isn’t Everything You Are by Snow Patrol from Fallen Empires
“And in one little moment it all implodes… this isn’t everything you are.”

Everybody’s on the Run by Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds from Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds
“Sing to yourself and hold on, ’cause everybody’s on the run.“

Your Eyelids Are Made of Lead

You’ll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about that line from Garden State.

Summer used to be something different. And so did holidays. And, here’s been the clincher for me lately, the Fall used to carry such hope and such change.

Life, really, had so much promise. And there were no limits. And if you didn’t accomplish a single thing all day it wasn’t a waste; it must’ve been an adventure.

Somewhere along the way that gets lost. Not entirely, maybe. Not altogether a bad thing either, I suppose. But something gets lost.

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After a while… the accomplishing, the working, the ‘moving up’… after you’ve ‘grown up’… you start to miss something.

And you slowly grow deathly homesick.

The irony, though, is it’s for a place that never really existed.

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Why do we always idealize the past, fret-fill the future, and thus nullify our present in the process?

I think we forget how important, how precious, and how special now is.

If you’re a Christian, have you noticed how many books are coming out lately that deal with ‘heaven is now’ and similar topics?

As a person in this world, haven’t we all just seen (with the recent financial collapse) how constantly looking to the future can bankrupt our present?

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Back to our homesick, though…

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The reason I said the Fall is the clincher for me is that I finally have a September to be excited for again. I’m going to start a Master of Divinity degree at Wycliffe (UofT).

I get to move to T.O. with my new wife, her sister, and one of my closest friends Trevor. Together we have an amazing house in High Park, right near the lakeshore.

Community, school, the ‘big city’, healthy living, challenges, growth, love, friendship, writing, learning…. hope.

Taking all that in, though… it made me realize that I don’t feel excited again because of school, the move, the house, etc…

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My excitement started a slow build somewhere way back there when I started to remember that hope is an ever-present thing, and even though things don’t always work out the way we thought they might; they work out. And, in the end, it will always be for our best if we cling to hope.

I guess I’m writing this as much as a reminder to myself as a blog to share with you.

One day I’ll read back and realize that I’ve lost it again and need to reclaim that joy in each day that I used to have.

I don’t want to constantly be homesick. I don’t want to be stuck remember ‘the glory days’, as the Boss would say. I want to be able to use those times as strength for my hope when times get rough. A reminder that things were different, and will be different, because every season comes after the other which came after yet another… the wheel keeps turning, you know? And, regardless where we are on that wheel– there’s always hope.

So maybe we don’t get homesick so much as we get hope-sick.

If you feel homesick for that place you can’t get back to– here’s a prescription for you:

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Throw on that song, or album, that really defines the time you miss. Remember a great time, remember a hard time, look to how you were different in a good way, and how you were different in a way you’re glad you’ve finally grown through.

And then take all that and be grateful.

Be grateful you have today– now– to reflect on it all, be grateful for it, and continue to move forward with it.

One day ‘today’ is going to be your homesick.

Enjoy it while it’s here.

As always, be well friends.

Cheers,

Daniel

Don’t Carry it All by the Decemberists from The King is Dead
“And nobody, nobody knows. Let the yoke fall from our shoulders. Don’t carry it all.”

Sleepy Time in the Western World by Blitzen Trapper from Furr
“Never gonna know what the spirit said unless you drift down for a while.”

The Modern Leper by Frightened Rabbit from The Midnight Organ Fight
“This is how the modern stay scared.”

Trouble Weighs a Ton by Dan Auerbach from Keep it Hid
“Have you lost your faith? Don’t you remember a better place?”

Sec Walkin by My Morning Jacket from Evil Urges
“Left leg, right leg, one leg at a time I keep on walking.”

Never Take Friendship Personally…

…or leadership, for that matter.

It’s a hard thing, I think, to find the balance between friends and expectations.

Sometimes we get so caught up in what we hoped for– and the let-down that accompanies not seeing that fulfilled the way we desired– that it takes our eyes and hearts off of the here and now: our responsibilities, personal ethos, where we’ve succeeded/failed, where others have helped, etc…

I think the reason it’s so hard to keep perspective in tough situations/disagreements/the balance between friend and function, is that we feel.

We feel hurt. We feel betrayed. We feel resentful. We feel hard-done-by… we feel like we’re getting the ‘short end of the stick’. In short: we feel like people.

The problem with being a person is that you usually have to do it with other people.

And there’s where it gets sticky.

Now, you might be reading this and suddenly get the sense that I’m talking about you– that this is some cleverly disguised, scathing indictment about how you just don’t get it, the ways you fall short, and how I, the Writer, am suggesting some “Higher way” which to walk out your daily interactions.

Not so. Not nearly. Not even.

I hold myself highest on the list of the culpable in this: how hard a thing is it to walk out dissension (which, by the way, will ALWAYS exist when individual persons gather as ‘people’ to do things together) not just with strangers– whom you have nothing ‘riding on’– but with friends whom your heart, healthiness, and hope are so intimately linked to?

I think the answer was alluded to in the opening– never take friendship personally. (A line, admittedly, borrowed from Anberlin– thanks, boys).

Friend A and Friend B talk at length about how Situation C should be addressed. Friend A and Friend B are in agreement on this matter. Friend A, as per plan, then steps out and addresses situation C. However, much to Friend A’s surprise, Friend B does not support the actions taken. In fact, contrary to the expected support, Friend B actually provides the lion’s share of criticism, complaint, and conflict for Friend A.

Friend A is crushed. Broken. Heart-sad and wracked daily and nightly by this conflict.

But did you catch it?

Did you see what happened? Why Friend A is out of sorts? Why Friend B acted so seemingly ‘irrationally’ and ‘unfairly’?

Yup: “…contrary to the expected…”

We place so much on our expectations. We make sacrifices, we take leaps, and we place hopes in the ‘expected’. What if, regardless of agreement in conceptualization, Friend A and Friend B had much different pictures of what Situation C would actually look like?

Then, perhaps, Friend B wasn’t entirely (if at all) in the wrong.

Perhaps, Friend B is just as crushed, frustrated, disappointed, and heart-hurt.

Perhaps, healthy is always a conversation away.

Perhaps.

Only if we don’t take it personally. What A and B might have to say could come off as irrational, condescending, abrasive, confusing, frustrating, ignorant, proud… well, the list goes on.

But maybe they’re just speaking from their own expectations and hurt.

Eventually, if we ever want to see healing and healthiness happen, it takes a willingness on both sides to admit culpability, confess expectations, and commit to bridging the gap as much as possible.

Function (say, work/church/projects/etc) should never overwhelm friendship. In fact, maybe the two should be kept separate… I’m honestly not sure. I hope for a world, and a fit in it, where both happen at once.

In the end, I suppose I have just been struggling not to take it all personally.

Father, forgive us, for we know not what we do.

and,

I, the worst of these.

As always, I wish you well.

Peace and blessings,

Daniel